Why does weight loss have to be so hard. I thought quitting smoking would be the hardest thing that I would have to do in my life, but apparently I was wrong. It was easy to quit smoking when comparing it to giving up food. I love food, all food, sweet, salty, bitter, healthy, unhealthy, it doesn't matter I love food. But because I am unhappy with myself right now I have decided that something has to give. I have to be able to control the amount of food I eat and what I eat. But oh, its so hard. Someone once told me that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." But in all reality you can't taste skinny. Nothing taste as good as a warm chocolate chip cookie topped with ice cream and chocolate syrup, but alas, that is like 1200 calories so I wouldn't be able to eat anything else all day. I don't think I can deal with that.
I thought that nursing Amelia would help me lose weight, but it doesn't seem to be working. I freak out about exercising because of everything that happened during my labor. So tell me why there can't be a magic pill for being fat. I don't like being fat, but I love food.
My new goal. I want to get down to my high school weight. So is anyone with me. It would be great to hear about other people and their struggles.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Amelia's Birth Story
I know its been awhile, but I guess there is not place better to start then the present. I am currently on my second week back from work after I had my beautiful baby girl. In a way I was lucky and was able to have 12 weeks off with her. On the other hand my VBAC didn't go so well so for 8 or more of those weeks I was uncomfortable and had to wear a catheter. I used to joke about wanting a catheter when I was pregnant because of how often I had to pee but the reality of it bites. I know that people have to go their whole lives with this and I know that I was one of the lucky ones that was able to have it removed so don't get me wrong I am thankful that I have healed, but it was not fun while it was there.
So the story. I left work early on Thrusday February 9, 2012 I just felt strange and was having some pain. I woke up on Friday and all I felt was pressure so I did not go to work and I called and asked them to start my short term disability. All day Friday I layed around the house, Zach and Jesse were home with me. We went to get dinner (McDonalds) and then back home. I guess it was around 10 or so that things just started to get worse. I still wasn't in any extreme pain, but there was just so much pressure. We took Zach to my mother-in-laws house and went to the hospital. I wasn't even a finger tip dilated. So they monitored me for awhile and sent me home. They told me it could be a day or more. I went home prepared to stick it out for another day or so. I took a bath and tried to relax, but just couldn't. There was still so much pressure.
After my bath I tried to get some sleep. Jesse fell asleep downstairs and I tried to join him downstairs on the couch (he was in the chair). I ended up on the floor and then I got up to go pee and then my water broke. After that I didn't want to sit, stand, or move. I thought that I could do this naturally, but at that point I just wanted something to stop the pressure. I was yelling at Jesse to get up. I didn't even want him to use the bathroom. I had a hard time getting to the truck and then didn't want to put my butt down on the seat so I kind of held myself up with my arms. The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever.
Finally at the hospital I get checked in and the midwife checks me and tells me I am at 1cm and about 80% effaced. In my mind the only thing I was thinking was, "really that is it all this pain and that is all I get, when do I get the drugs." (Right now I want to stop and tell all of the beautifull women out there that can do this naturally, that I have complete and total respect for you and I am in awe of you). I wanted the epi bad, I couldn't wait long enough. We had called my mom so she was on her way to the hospital. By the time she got there (don't ask me times, I don't remember) I was 4cm and fully effaced. Next time she checked midwife made a comment saying "You won't believe this, but she is 8cm fully effaced and at -2 station." So I know this is going to happen soon and they give me my epi. I can now relax. I think all in all I went from 0 to 10 in about 4 hours, not even sure if it was that long. At least I know my body could have done it.
The doctor came in and told me I could push, but she didn't want to get my hopes up. She was only going to let me push for an hour and then I would have to for my repeat c-section. She didn't want to risk using forceps or vacuum to get her out. I was able to push for about 2 hours on every other contraction, because she was not tolerating the contractions well and they wanted to give her breaks on every other one. They had monitors on her head and they could see the top of her head but she wasn't budging. They had done a ultrasound to get an estimate on the size and she was measuring around 9lbs.
The doctor told me that we were going for the c-section. A little part of me broke right there, I was so upset. All I wanted was to deliver my baby girl. We get ready and we head into the operating room. Jesse comes in and the doc starts her work. I feel the pulling and the pressure but it feels different then it did the first time. Then the doc makes a comment "I shouldn't see baby yet and that should not be there." At this point I don't know what is going on below that curtain. All I know is that I am not hearing my baby yet. The doctor pulls the baby out and says, congratualations its a boy, (hold the phone, what) whoops sorry, she is just really swollen its a girl. Jesse goes to her, Amelia Taylor, and gets pictures while I assumed that I was being closed up. Jesse brought Amelia over to me and I had originally wanted to hold her, but I was shaking so bad and I was freezing cold. Then they took Amelia out and Jesse left as well. I thought that I would be getting to recovery soon and then be able to hold my baby girl. I didn't know what had happened till about 6 hours later. She was 8lbs 7ozs and 20 1/4 inches long. She was born on 2-11-12 born at 12:11 pm.
A lot of what happens next is just the inforamtion that I know. After Jesse had left the room with Amelia the doctor (OB) called a urologist to come into my surgery because my bladder and my uterus had both ruptured. After the OB finished stiching up my uterus they went out to tell my family what was going on. They let Jesse know first and then he had to tell my mom. Of course my mom broke down because she thought she could lose me and then Jesse went to smoke, not sure exactly what was going on in his mind, I know he didn't want to have to raise two kids on his own. I am assuming at this point they were worried about me bleeding out or getting infections from having my bladder and everything open.
The real concern would have been if I had been able to deliver Amelia by VBAC, they would have never know that by bladder and uterus were ruptured, they would have figured it out eventually, but it may have been too late. Thankfully someone was watching over us that day and would not allow her to be born via VBAC. THis was caused because of my previous c-section. Not everything goes back in the correct spots when they open you up but my bladder had adhered to my uterus and during labor while I was pushing I was putting too much pressure on the bladder that normally would move out of the way to allow the baby through. Because the bladder didn't move I could not deliver but the pushing had caused it all to rip away. The urologist said that my bladder looked as though I was in a very bad accident and not labor. If I had went ahead with a planned c-section this still would have happened, but it would have been a clean cut on both my bladder and uterus and not the rip.
When I came too I finally was able to hold Amelia and after that I just wanted to see Zach I wanted to know that everything was going to be ok. I had scared my family and friends, and I didn't understand what could have happened to me at the time so all I wanted to know about was Zach and how he was and if I was going to see him. The doc came the next day and told me what had happened. Told me at this point that I would probably be able to still have kids, but that she would never again allow me to try for a VBAC. She told me that even if I moved away and they her to find out my history she would come down and knock some sense into me. Apparently I had scared her too. What happened to me doesn't happen very often and it had never happened to her. It is something that is common in third world countries.
I was told that I would have to have the catheter in for about 2 weeks. I didn't think that was bad, but it ended up being in for about 8 to 9 weeks because there was a hole between my bladder and uterus that they were waiting to see if it would heal on its own instead of having to cut me open. Around April 16th I found out that I was healed and the catheter was able to come out.
I still have issues with my bladder. I think I always will. But I have a beautiful family and I am still around to enjoy it. I want to thank my family and friends for being there for me and helping me through this hard time. Looking forward to all the good times that I will have with my family now.
So the story. I left work early on Thrusday February 9, 2012 I just felt strange and was having some pain. I woke up on Friday and all I felt was pressure so I did not go to work and I called and asked them to start my short term disability. All day Friday I layed around the house, Zach and Jesse were home with me. We went to get dinner (McDonalds) and then back home. I guess it was around 10 or so that things just started to get worse. I still wasn't in any extreme pain, but there was just so much pressure. We took Zach to my mother-in-laws house and went to the hospital. I wasn't even a finger tip dilated. So they monitored me for awhile and sent me home. They told me it could be a day or more. I went home prepared to stick it out for another day or so. I took a bath and tried to relax, but just couldn't. There was still so much pressure.
After my bath I tried to get some sleep. Jesse fell asleep downstairs and I tried to join him downstairs on the couch (he was in the chair). I ended up on the floor and then I got up to go pee and then my water broke. After that I didn't want to sit, stand, or move. I thought that I could do this naturally, but at that point I just wanted something to stop the pressure. I was yelling at Jesse to get up. I didn't even want him to use the bathroom. I had a hard time getting to the truck and then didn't want to put my butt down on the seat so I kind of held myself up with my arms. The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever.
Finally at the hospital I get checked in and the midwife checks me and tells me I am at 1cm and about 80% effaced. In my mind the only thing I was thinking was, "really that is it all this pain and that is all I get, when do I get the drugs." (Right now I want to stop and tell all of the beautifull women out there that can do this naturally, that I have complete and total respect for you and I am in awe of you). I wanted the epi bad, I couldn't wait long enough. We had called my mom so she was on her way to the hospital. By the time she got there (don't ask me times, I don't remember) I was 4cm and fully effaced. Next time she checked midwife made a comment saying "You won't believe this, but she is 8cm fully effaced and at -2 station." So I know this is going to happen soon and they give me my epi. I can now relax. I think all in all I went from 0 to 10 in about 4 hours, not even sure if it was that long. At least I know my body could have done it.
The doctor came in and told me I could push, but she didn't want to get my hopes up. She was only going to let me push for an hour and then I would have to for my repeat c-section. She didn't want to risk using forceps or vacuum to get her out. I was able to push for about 2 hours on every other contraction, because she was not tolerating the contractions well and they wanted to give her breaks on every other one. They had monitors on her head and they could see the top of her head but she wasn't budging. They had done a ultrasound to get an estimate on the size and she was measuring around 9lbs.
The doctor told me that we were going for the c-section. A little part of me broke right there, I was so upset. All I wanted was to deliver my baby girl. We get ready and we head into the operating room. Jesse comes in and the doc starts her work. I feel the pulling and the pressure but it feels different then it did the first time. Then the doc makes a comment "I shouldn't see baby yet and that should not be there." At this point I don't know what is going on below that curtain. All I know is that I am not hearing my baby yet. The doctor pulls the baby out and says, congratualations its a boy, (hold the phone, what) whoops sorry, she is just really swollen its a girl. Jesse goes to her, Amelia Taylor, and gets pictures while I assumed that I was being closed up. Jesse brought Amelia over to me and I had originally wanted to hold her, but I was shaking so bad and I was freezing cold. Then they took Amelia out and Jesse left as well. I thought that I would be getting to recovery soon and then be able to hold my baby girl. I didn't know what had happened till about 6 hours later. She was 8lbs 7ozs and 20 1/4 inches long. She was born on 2-11-12 born at 12:11 pm.
A lot of what happens next is just the inforamtion that I know. After Jesse had left the room with Amelia the doctor (OB) called a urologist to come into my surgery because my bladder and my uterus had both ruptured. After the OB finished stiching up my uterus they went out to tell my family what was going on. They let Jesse know first and then he had to tell my mom. Of course my mom broke down because she thought she could lose me and then Jesse went to smoke, not sure exactly what was going on in his mind, I know he didn't want to have to raise two kids on his own. I am assuming at this point they were worried about me bleeding out or getting infections from having my bladder and everything open.
The real concern would have been if I had been able to deliver Amelia by VBAC, they would have never know that by bladder and uterus were ruptured, they would have figured it out eventually, but it may have been too late. Thankfully someone was watching over us that day and would not allow her to be born via VBAC. THis was caused because of my previous c-section. Not everything goes back in the correct spots when they open you up but my bladder had adhered to my uterus and during labor while I was pushing I was putting too much pressure on the bladder that normally would move out of the way to allow the baby through. Because the bladder didn't move I could not deliver but the pushing had caused it all to rip away. The urologist said that my bladder looked as though I was in a very bad accident and not labor. If I had went ahead with a planned c-section this still would have happened, but it would have been a clean cut on both my bladder and uterus and not the rip.
When I came too I finally was able to hold Amelia and after that I just wanted to see Zach I wanted to know that everything was going to be ok. I had scared my family and friends, and I didn't understand what could have happened to me at the time so all I wanted to know about was Zach and how he was and if I was going to see him. The doc came the next day and told me what had happened. Told me at this point that I would probably be able to still have kids, but that she would never again allow me to try for a VBAC. She told me that even if I moved away and they her to find out my history she would come down and knock some sense into me. Apparently I had scared her too. What happened to me doesn't happen very often and it had never happened to her. It is something that is common in third world countries.
I was told that I would have to have the catheter in for about 2 weeks. I didn't think that was bad, but it ended up being in for about 8 to 9 weeks because there was a hole between my bladder and uterus that they were waiting to see if it would heal on its own instead of having to cut me open. Around April 16th I found out that I was healed and the catheter was able to come out.
I still have issues with my bladder. I think I always will. But I have a beautiful family and I am still around to enjoy it. I want to thank my family and friends for being there for me and helping me through this hard time. Looking forward to all the good times that I will have with my family now.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Where is the time going
I just don't understand where the time goes. we have less than 2 weeks until Christmas, and I have less than 2 months until my baby girl is born. I am so not ready for either and I don't feel like there is enough time in the day to get it all done.
Potty training is going ok, but Zach will not tell us that he needs to go so its still taking him to the potty whenever I remember to do it. I could probably do better in that department.
Most nights when I get home from work I don't want to do anything other than sit down and relax, but there is still so much that needs to be done. My ankles are swollen and look like I don't have them anymore. I feel like baby girl is just positioned right on my bladder so I constently have to use the potty. If I drink water to try to help with the swelling then I should just take my laptop in the bathroom with me and sit there because I will be getting up every 5 minutes or less to use the potty. It really is horrible.
On the good side, hubby did finish painting our kitchen and that looks awesome, well as awesome as a small galley kitchen can look. We are hoping to eventually be able to rent our townhome and move into a bigger house, but I guess we should make our townhome presentable first.
I guess I just feel overwhelmed and that there is not enough time in the day to get it all done. But somehow we manage. How will this work when we have two kids and when I want to start going to the gym, because lord knows that I need to work some of this fat off my body. But I just don't see there being any time for me to go do what will need to be done. Maybe I should take up running and get a double stroller and take the kids with me. Any thoughts on that?
Potty training is going ok, but Zach will not tell us that he needs to go so its still taking him to the potty whenever I remember to do it. I could probably do better in that department.
Most nights when I get home from work I don't want to do anything other than sit down and relax, but there is still so much that needs to be done. My ankles are swollen and look like I don't have them anymore. I feel like baby girl is just positioned right on my bladder so I constently have to use the potty. If I drink water to try to help with the swelling then I should just take my laptop in the bathroom with me and sit there because I will be getting up every 5 minutes or less to use the potty. It really is horrible.
On the good side, hubby did finish painting our kitchen and that looks awesome, well as awesome as a small galley kitchen can look. We are hoping to eventually be able to rent our townhome and move into a bigger house, but I guess we should make our townhome presentable first.
I guess I just feel overwhelmed and that there is not enough time in the day to get it all done. But somehow we manage. How will this work when we have two kids and when I want to start going to the gym, because lord knows that I need to work some of this fat off my body. But I just don't see there being any time for me to go do what will need to be done. Maybe I should take up running and get a double stroller and take the kids with me. Any thoughts on that?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Potty training thoughts...
Anyone have any ideas to help me get Zach interested in using the potty. We would really like him to be somewhat potty trained before Amelia arrives. The problem being is that I really don't want to force him, but I do want to nudge him in that direction. He has used the potty twice now in the past two days and we only started trying 3 days ago so we are making some progress.
My daycare provider is awesome. She cheers him on and gives him big boy stickers when he does it. She has such a positive attitude I am happy she is part of our lives and even happier that I now know she will be able to take Amelia. We were a little worried at first, but she will have that infant opening so I am extremely happy that I will not have to be looking for another women that will treat my kids as well as she does.
So if any of you parents that have gone through this whole potty training mess have advice for me please send it on over it is greatly appreciated. I cannot wait for him to be out of diapers. Especially because he doesn't want me to change them anymore.
My daycare provider is awesome. She cheers him on and gives him big boy stickers when he does it. She has such a positive attitude I am happy she is part of our lives and even happier that I now know she will be able to take Amelia. We were a little worried at first, but she will have that infant opening so I am extremely happy that I will not have to be looking for another women that will treat my kids as well as she does.
So if any of you parents that have gone through this whole potty training mess have advice for me please send it on over it is greatly appreciated. I cannot wait for him to be out of diapers. Especially because he doesn't want me to change them anymore.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Our Little Girl!
So its been awhile. Thought I should at least post one entry before I skipped the month of September.
We found out that we are having a little girl and could not be more excited. Although I am a little nervous too. I just don't picture myself doing girl things. Like doing hair and teaching makeup later in life. Dealing with clothes and boy problems. At least I know I have some time before all of that begins.
I look at Zach now and just think what a wonderful big brother he will make. Of course they will fight, what siblings don't fight. But my little boy seems to be very caring when it comes to people's feelings. Maybe its just a phase but I like to think that he will be that sweet to most people.
I just want to add that I absolutley love being a mother. Its the one thing I am good at. I can't think of anything else that I am really good at doing, but being a mother is just something that I love and I want to do the best I can.
We found out that we are having a little girl and could not be more excited. Although I am a little nervous too. I just don't picture myself doing girl things. Like doing hair and teaching makeup later in life. Dealing with clothes and boy problems. At least I know I have some time before all of that begins.
I look at Zach now and just think what a wonderful big brother he will make. Of course they will fight, what siblings don't fight. But my little boy seems to be very caring when it comes to people's feelings. Maybe its just a phase but I like to think that he will be that sweet to most people.
I just want to add that I absolutley love being a mother. Its the one thing I am good at. I can't think of anything else that I am really good at doing, but being a mother is just something that I love and I want to do the best I can.
Monday, August 15, 2011
One sleeping bag, one pillow, and one blanket...
and we have a new bed for Zach. He doesn't stay in his bed all night and while I don't mind him coming into our room to sleep its getting harder trying to sleep with him in our bed. My belly is growing and I now have my maternity pillow that takes up half the bed. So last night I decided that I was going to lay out my sleeping bag, put a pillow in the floor and then an extra blanket (didn't think Zach would actually get into the sleeping bag). And to my suprise, I woke up to go pee (already happens more than I would like) and Zach was sleeping on the floor on the bed I made for him. Although he was sideways and his head was actually underneath my bed and not on the pillows. So after my potty run I picked him up and laid his head on the pillows and there he stayed all night long (well maybe not on the pillows).
So the first morning, after sleeping on the makeshift bed, he woke up a little after six and asked "where Kenny (aka Kenna from day care) at." I had to laugh. I guess because he naps with Kenna in the room and I think they sleep on the floor in there he automatically assumed he was at day care and he woke up ready to play. I had to explain to him that he was still at home and would see "Kenny" later when we went to day care. He merrily replied "ok."
So all in all this bed has worked out for one night, lets see if it will continue. Maybe he will get tired of sleeping on the floor and then stay in his bed all night. One can dream, right?
So the first morning, after sleeping on the makeshift bed, he woke up a little after six and asked "where Kenny (aka Kenna from day care) at." I had to laugh. I guess because he naps with Kenna in the room and I think they sleep on the floor in there he automatically assumed he was at day care and he woke up ready to play. I had to explain to him that he was still at home and would see "Kenny" later when we went to day care. He merrily replied "ok."
So all in all this bed has worked out for one night, lets see if it will continue. Maybe he will get tired of sleeping on the floor and then stay in his bed all night. One can dream, right?
Monday, August 1, 2011
August Already
I cannot believe that it is August already. Where is this year going? I feel like as I get older the years go by faster, how is that fair.
On another note, we had a good ending to July. We went on a three night camping trip, which at first we thought might not be to good because we had to set a tent up on gravel (not the most comfortable, don't know why they don't have grass anywhere). But we made it work and it ended up being a fabulous weekend. I wish I had pulled my camera out, but I never even really thought about it. Zach had a couple firsts this weekend. He was stung by a bee, he didn't seem to understand why this bug had hurt him. Good news, he is not allergic. He no longer has to cling to me while in the pool with his float on. He said Chirs, yay, now I just have to get him to say uncle, and he was actually happy to be home when we saw the house on Sunday he was excited and yelled "KIIIIIT."
I also enjoyed seeing all my friends that went camping as well. I still didn't get to spend much time with them. They were so nice though, we had more than one offer to stay in the RVs if we ended up being uncomfortable in the tent, and they all took to Zach really well. I have a good little boy. He is just fun loving and is sweet most of the time. He seems to only show his rotten side to mommy and daddy.
One more month and then we leave for South Carolina. I can't wait for vacation, but I still want time to slow down just a little bit. I want to enjoy every moment I have with Zach. I love that little man more than I ever thought was possible.
On another note, we had a good ending to July. We went on a three night camping trip, which at first we thought might not be to good because we had to set a tent up on gravel (not the most comfortable, don't know why they don't have grass anywhere). But we made it work and it ended up being a fabulous weekend. I wish I had pulled my camera out, but I never even really thought about it. Zach had a couple firsts this weekend. He was stung by a bee, he didn't seem to understand why this bug had hurt him. Good news, he is not allergic. He no longer has to cling to me while in the pool with his float on. He said Chirs, yay, now I just have to get him to say uncle, and he was actually happy to be home when we saw the house on Sunday he was excited and yelled "KIIIIIT."
I also enjoyed seeing all my friends that went camping as well. I still didn't get to spend much time with them. They were so nice though, we had more than one offer to stay in the RVs if we ended up being uncomfortable in the tent, and they all took to Zach really well. I have a good little boy. He is just fun loving and is sweet most of the time. He seems to only show his rotten side to mommy and daddy.
One more month and then we leave for South Carolina. I can't wait for vacation, but I still want time to slow down just a little bit. I want to enjoy every moment I have with Zach. I love that little man more than I ever thought was possible.
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