Why does weight loss have to be so hard. I thought quitting smoking would be the hardest thing that I would have to do in my life, but apparently I was wrong. It was easy to quit smoking when comparing it to giving up food. I love food, all food, sweet, salty, bitter, healthy, unhealthy, it doesn't matter I love food. But because I am unhappy with myself right now I have decided that something has to give. I have to be able to control the amount of food I eat and what I eat. But oh, its so hard. Someone once told me that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." But in all reality you can't taste skinny. Nothing taste as good as a warm chocolate chip cookie topped with ice cream and chocolate syrup, but alas, that is like 1200 calories so I wouldn't be able to eat anything else all day. I don't think I can deal with that.
I thought that nursing Amelia would help me lose weight, but it doesn't seem to be working. I freak out about exercising because of everything that happened during my labor. So tell me why there can't be a magic pill for being fat. I don't like being fat, but I love food.
My new goal. I want to get down to my high school weight. So is anyone with me. It would be great to hear about other people and their struggles.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Amelia's Birth Story
I know its been awhile, but I guess there is not place better to start then the present. I am currently on my second week back from work after I had my beautiful baby girl. In a way I was lucky and was able to have 12 weeks off with her. On the other hand my VBAC didn't go so well so for 8 or more of those weeks I was uncomfortable and had to wear a catheter. I used to joke about wanting a catheter when I was pregnant because of how often I had to pee but the reality of it bites. I know that people have to go their whole lives with this and I know that I was one of the lucky ones that was able to have it removed so don't get me wrong I am thankful that I have healed, but it was not fun while it was there.
So the story. I left work early on Thrusday February 9, 2012 I just felt strange and was having some pain. I woke up on Friday and all I felt was pressure so I did not go to work and I called and asked them to start my short term disability. All day Friday I layed around the house, Zach and Jesse were home with me. We went to get dinner (McDonalds) and then back home. I guess it was around 10 or so that things just started to get worse. I still wasn't in any extreme pain, but there was just so much pressure. We took Zach to my mother-in-laws house and went to the hospital. I wasn't even a finger tip dilated. So they monitored me for awhile and sent me home. They told me it could be a day or more. I went home prepared to stick it out for another day or so. I took a bath and tried to relax, but just couldn't. There was still so much pressure.
After my bath I tried to get some sleep. Jesse fell asleep downstairs and I tried to join him downstairs on the couch (he was in the chair). I ended up on the floor and then I got up to go pee and then my water broke. After that I didn't want to sit, stand, or move. I thought that I could do this naturally, but at that point I just wanted something to stop the pressure. I was yelling at Jesse to get up. I didn't even want him to use the bathroom. I had a hard time getting to the truck and then didn't want to put my butt down on the seat so I kind of held myself up with my arms. The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever.
Finally at the hospital I get checked in and the midwife checks me and tells me I am at 1cm and about 80% effaced. In my mind the only thing I was thinking was, "really that is it all this pain and that is all I get, when do I get the drugs." (Right now I want to stop and tell all of the beautifull women out there that can do this naturally, that I have complete and total respect for you and I am in awe of you). I wanted the epi bad, I couldn't wait long enough. We had called my mom so she was on her way to the hospital. By the time she got there (don't ask me times, I don't remember) I was 4cm and fully effaced. Next time she checked midwife made a comment saying "You won't believe this, but she is 8cm fully effaced and at -2 station." So I know this is going to happen soon and they give me my epi. I can now relax. I think all in all I went from 0 to 10 in about 4 hours, not even sure if it was that long. At least I know my body could have done it.
The doctor came in and told me I could push, but she didn't want to get my hopes up. She was only going to let me push for an hour and then I would have to for my repeat c-section. She didn't want to risk using forceps or vacuum to get her out. I was able to push for about 2 hours on every other contraction, because she was not tolerating the contractions well and they wanted to give her breaks on every other one. They had monitors on her head and they could see the top of her head but she wasn't budging. They had done a ultrasound to get an estimate on the size and she was measuring around 9lbs.
The doctor told me that we were going for the c-section. A little part of me broke right there, I was so upset. All I wanted was to deliver my baby girl. We get ready and we head into the operating room. Jesse comes in and the doc starts her work. I feel the pulling and the pressure but it feels different then it did the first time. Then the doc makes a comment "I shouldn't see baby yet and that should not be there." At this point I don't know what is going on below that curtain. All I know is that I am not hearing my baby yet. The doctor pulls the baby out and says, congratualations its a boy, (hold the phone, what) whoops sorry, she is just really swollen its a girl. Jesse goes to her, Amelia Taylor, and gets pictures while I assumed that I was being closed up. Jesse brought Amelia over to me and I had originally wanted to hold her, but I was shaking so bad and I was freezing cold. Then they took Amelia out and Jesse left as well. I thought that I would be getting to recovery soon and then be able to hold my baby girl. I didn't know what had happened till about 6 hours later. She was 8lbs 7ozs and 20 1/4 inches long. She was born on 2-11-12 born at 12:11 pm.
A lot of what happens next is just the inforamtion that I know. After Jesse had left the room with Amelia the doctor (OB) called a urologist to come into my surgery because my bladder and my uterus had both ruptured. After the OB finished stiching up my uterus they went out to tell my family what was going on. They let Jesse know first and then he had to tell my mom. Of course my mom broke down because she thought she could lose me and then Jesse went to smoke, not sure exactly what was going on in his mind, I know he didn't want to have to raise two kids on his own. I am assuming at this point they were worried about me bleeding out or getting infections from having my bladder and everything open.
The real concern would have been if I had been able to deliver Amelia by VBAC, they would have never know that by bladder and uterus were ruptured, they would have figured it out eventually, but it may have been too late. Thankfully someone was watching over us that day and would not allow her to be born via VBAC. THis was caused because of my previous c-section. Not everything goes back in the correct spots when they open you up but my bladder had adhered to my uterus and during labor while I was pushing I was putting too much pressure on the bladder that normally would move out of the way to allow the baby through. Because the bladder didn't move I could not deliver but the pushing had caused it all to rip away. The urologist said that my bladder looked as though I was in a very bad accident and not labor. If I had went ahead with a planned c-section this still would have happened, but it would have been a clean cut on both my bladder and uterus and not the rip.
When I came too I finally was able to hold Amelia and after that I just wanted to see Zach I wanted to know that everything was going to be ok. I had scared my family and friends, and I didn't understand what could have happened to me at the time so all I wanted to know about was Zach and how he was and if I was going to see him. The doc came the next day and told me what had happened. Told me at this point that I would probably be able to still have kids, but that she would never again allow me to try for a VBAC. She told me that even if I moved away and they her to find out my history she would come down and knock some sense into me. Apparently I had scared her too. What happened to me doesn't happen very often and it had never happened to her. It is something that is common in third world countries.
I was told that I would have to have the catheter in for about 2 weeks. I didn't think that was bad, but it ended up being in for about 8 to 9 weeks because there was a hole between my bladder and uterus that they were waiting to see if it would heal on its own instead of having to cut me open. Around April 16th I found out that I was healed and the catheter was able to come out.
I still have issues with my bladder. I think I always will. But I have a beautiful family and I am still around to enjoy it. I want to thank my family and friends for being there for me and helping me through this hard time. Looking forward to all the good times that I will have with my family now.
So the story. I left work early on Thrusday February 9, 2012 I just felt strange and was having some pain. I woke up on Friday and all I felt was pressure so I did not go to work and I called and asked them to start my short term disability. All day Friday I layed around the house, Zach and Jesse were home with me. We went to get dinner (McDonalds) and then back home. I guess it was around 10 or so that things just started to get worse. I still wasn't in any extreme pain, but there was just so much pressure. We took Zach to my mother-in-laws house and went to the hospital. I wasn't even a finger tip dilated. So they monitored me for awhile and sent me home. They told me it could be a day or more. I went home prepared to stick it out for another day or so. I took a bath and tried to relax, but just couldn't. There was still so much pressure.
After my bath I tried to get some sleep. Jesse fell asleep downstairs and I tried to join him downstairs on the couch (he was in the chair). I ended up on the floor and then I got up to go pee and then my water broke. After that I didn't want to sit, stand, or move. I thought that I could do this naturally, but at that point I just wanted something to stop the pressure. I was yelling at Jesse to get up. I didn't even want him to use the bathroom. I had a hard time getting to the truck and then didn't want to put my butt down on the seat so I kind of held myself up with my arms. The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever.
Finally at the hospital I get checked in and the midwife checks me and tells me I am at 1cm and about 80% effaced. In my mind the only thing I was thinking was, "really that is it all this pain and that is all I get, when do I get the drugs." (Right now I want to stop and tell all of the beautifull women out there that can do this naturally, that I have complete and total respect for you and I am in awe of you). I wanted the epi bad, I couldn't wait long enough. We had called my mom so she was on her way to the hospital. By the time she got there (don't ask me times, I don't remember) I was 4cm and fully effaced. Next time she checked midwife made a comment saying "You won't believe this, but she is 8cm fully effaced and at -2 station." So I know this is going to happen soon and they give me my epi. I can now relax. I think all in all I went from 0 to 10 in about 4 hours, not even sure if it was that long. At least I know my body could have done it.
The doctor came in and told me I could push, but she didn't want to get my hopes up. She was only going to let me push for an hour and then I would have to for my repeat c-section. She didn't want to risk using forceps or vacuum to get her out. I was able to push for about 2 hours on every other contraction, because she was not tolerating the contractions well and they wanted to give her breaks on every other one. They had monitors on her head and they could see the top of her head but she wasn't budging. They had done a ultrasound to get an estimate on the size and she was measuring around 9lbs.
The doctor told me that we were going for the c-section. A little part of me broke right there, I was so upset. All I wanted was to deliver my baby girl. We get ready and we head into the operating room. Jesse comes in and the doc starts her work. I feel the pulling and the pressure but it feels different then it did the first time. Then the doc makes a comment "I shouldn't see baby yet and that should not be there." At this point I don't know what is going on below that curtain. All I know is that I am not hearing my baby yet. The doctor pulls the baby out and says, congratualations its a boy, (hold the phone, what) whoops sorry, she is just really swollen its a girl. Jesse goes to her, Amelia Taylor, and gets pictures while I assumed that I was being closed up. Jesse brought Amelia over to me and I had originally wanted to hold her, but I was shaking so bad and I was freezing cold. Then they took Amelia out and Jesse left as well. I thought that I would be getting to recovery soon and then be able to hold my baby girl. I didn't know what had happened till about 6 hours later. She was 8lbs 7ozs and 20 1/4 inches long. She was born on 2-11-12 born at 12:11 pm.
A lot of what happens next is just the inforamtion that I know. After Jesse had left the room with Amelia the doctor (OB) called a urologist to come into my surgery because my bladder and my uterus had both ruptured. After the OB finished stiching up my uterus they went out to tell my family what was going on. They let Jesse know first and then he had to tell my mom. Of course my mom broke down because she thought she could lose me and then Jesse went to smoke, not sure exactly what was going on in his mind, I know he didn't want to have to raise two kids on his own. I am assuming at this point they were worried about me bleeding out or getting infections from having my bladder and everything open.
The real concern would have been if I had been able to deliver Amelia by VBAC, they would have never know that by bladder and uterus were ruptured, they would have figured it out eventually, but it may have been too late. Thankfully someone was watching over us that day and would not allow her to be born via VBAC. THis was caused because of my previous c-section. Not everything goes back in the correct spots when they open you up but my bladder had adhered to my uterus and during labor while I was pushing I was putting too much pressure on the bladder that normally would move out of the way to allow the baby through. Because the bladder didn't move I could not deliver but the pushing had caused it all to rip away. The urologist said that my bladder looked as though I was in a very bad accident and not labor. If I had went ahead with a planned c-section this still would have happened, but it would have been a clean cut on both my bladder and uterus and not the rip.
When I came too I finally was able to hold Amelia and after that I just wanted to see Zach I wanted to know that everything was going to be ok. I had scared my family and friends, and I didn't understand what could have happened to me at the time so all I wanted to know about was Zach and how he was and if I was going to see him. The doc came the next day and told me what had happened. Told me at this point that I would probably be able to still have kids, but that she would never again allow me to try for a VBAC. She told me that even if I moved away and they her to find out my history she would come down and knock some sense into me. Apparently I had scared her too. What happened to me doesn't happen very often and it had never happened to her. It is something that is common in third world countries.
I was told that I would have to have the catheter in for about 2 weeks. I didn't think that was bad, but it ended up being in for about 8 to 9 weeks because there was a hole between my bladder and uterus that they were waiting to see if it would heal on its own instead of having to cut me open. Around April 16th I found out that I was healed and the catheter was able to come out.
I still have issues with my bladder. I think I always will. But I have a beautiful family and I am still around to enjoy it. I want to thank my family and friends for being there for me and helping me through this hard time. Looking forward to all the good times that I will have with my family now.
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