Wednesday, April 20, 2011


So I am on a healthy lifestyle journey (don't want to call it weight loss because I want to stick with it) and I need food ideas. I want to eat mainly non-processed foods, although some I cannot avoid. If you read my blog send me a message if you have any ideas. I like food so I need variety in my life.

I have also been doing a Jillian Michaels DVD called 30 Day Shred, I am on day 13 and I think I have lost 1lbs but will stick with it and then I want to move onto the Ripped in 30. At least the Ripped in 30 comes with a diet plan.

I need to feel comfortable in my own body again so any ideas would be helpful. Maybe I should try the Biggest Loser Protein that you just add to your water. Maybe this would curve my appetite. I really don't want to take any suppliments or magic pills but I guess protein would be ok.

The worse part is that I don't see how I didn't realize how big I had actually gotten and then other people say, well your not fat. Bullsh*it! I am fat and I need to admit it so that I can lose the weight. I have about 80lbs to lose to get to comfortable/healthy weight. I know its not going to happen overnight but I hope to lose at least 40 by the end of the year. One day I will be brave enought to post pictures of myself but not today.

I think I can do this though. I haven't smoked in over 2 months so losing weight should be easy right? Wish me luck.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What if's

Being a mother has got me thinking about my past and thinking about the things I want for my son in the future. I don't want him to ever feel left out or feel like he doesn't fit in and I want to give him every opportunity to become a good student, a good friend, and an overall well rounded man. So when I think about this I also start to think about the "what ifs."

My husband and I are now happily mattered and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But I still think sometimes "what if we had never met, what if the couple times we took a break during our 8-year courtship we decided not to give it another try."Would I be as happy as I am right now, would I be a different, would I live in MD, would I have gone off and gotten my Masters in Marketing Communications in Chicago. I hate thinking about the what ifs but I do. I guess its normal to think that way.

I talked to hubby about this post and he started singing "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her." I guess in a way its the same thing but I am not so much wishing that things were different just trying to figure out how life would be if I had made different choices.

I look at all my friends that I have had throughout my life the ones I still talk to and the ones I don't; and I think "what would of happened if I remained close friends with you or what would have happened if I didn't." I don't so much have regrets in my life but there a couple things I would change if I was given the chance. I would try to keep more of my friends close. I feel like I have pushed them away because I thought I didn't fit in or that I wasn't good enough. If you were to look at my facebook page it may seem that I have a lot of friends but most of them I do not talk to in person although I would love to talk to some of them again. There are people in my life that I miss but don't feel comfortable reaching out to because of fear that maybe they didn't really like me in the first place.

I really miss my friends from Salsibury but not sure if they would want to see me. I know that people grow and move on but I want some of them back as my friends. I think "what if I had never went away to school, what if I had stayed in the county and never was introduced to those wonderful people that helped me through college." Maybe I am just being a sentimental sap but this is what I want.

I want to be able to have a girls night out with my friends or a girls weekend getaway and have old friends meet new friends and have everyone get along.  I have to move on and make new friends and met new people. I do miss all the people that I no longer talk to but am not sure how to get those friendships back.

These are all the thoughts I don't want my son to have when he gets older. I want him to be able to keep all of his friends and cherish them for who they are and who they will become.